I have avoided talking too much about my personal pregnancy journey as I wasn’t sure why anyone would be particularly interested in my own journey! But after speaking to a few close friends, teachers and people that have attended my workshops, I have been encouraged to share my journey in the hope it may help others going through similar experiences.
I started my pregnancy journey at 36, the year I got married. After a few years of trying without success we opted for IVF. This was a particularly stressful time for us with several things going on, my health wasn’t great and there was a family bereavement at the time so I wasn’t surprised when it didn’t work. I was advised not to bother trying IVF again by my consultant as I responded poorly to the hormone treatment (I had a very low egg reserve) and to use donor eggs if I was considering it again. I declined. I felt there was more to my health that needed looking into and there were answers that they couldn’t give me. I began to research and investigate. For anyone who has been in this situation you will know how this feels, I looked at everything from scientific studies to some expensive lube recommended on amazon and everything in between. What I didn’t realise at the time was that both my physical and mental health were not in a good place, I was tired a lot, stressy, irritable, bit of a control freak, had bad eczema and low energy. I decided to enrol in a 3 year Nutritional Medicine diploma at CNM Bristol to learn more about what I could do to support my health and well-being. This was the single most important turning point in my life and sometimes I look back at this crossroad and wonder what made me choose this path.
Over the course of 3 years I healed my body with the help of several practitioners and lecturers teaching at the college. Through the use of functional testing and their guidance I found I had a gut candida infection, lead toxicity, liver detoxification issues, hormone and immune system imbalances. Working to restore each body system gradually, I used many different diets and supplement protocols to find the right one for my optimal health. At the end of my diploma I felt healthier and younger than ever before and all my previous symptoms had disappeared. I felt great but I still wasn’t pregnant and I was 40.
I think I gave up at this point. Although social pressures of having children before you hit 40 have lessened over the years, the ever present feeling of that ticking ‘biological clock’ coupled with google’s ‘high risk pregnancy’ scare stories can still make a lot of women feel like they HAVE to make a decision. I didn’t know how to make that decision, I didn’t know how I felt about not having children and although I had physically given up trying, I discovered that mentally accepting it was not the same thing. I started questioning everything in my life, my job, relationships with my family and even my husband, who I was and what I wanted. Looking back, this was another turning point in my life. I had healed myself physically but mentally I was struggling to deal with the possible loss of all my unconscious hopes and dreams I had been building since I was child. I had the 4 bedroom house, the car, the husband, the good job, I was financially secure. On paper I was ready for a family but emotionally I was not. I now believe I was holding onto a lot of baggage and child hood trauma that was blocking my energy and life force from being able to give life.
I have to say that I didn’t actually feel depressed. I wasn’t bursting into tears every time I saw a pregnant woman or baby, I felt OK and didn’t feel the need to talk about it. I just put it away in a little box and carried on. I think sometimes this can be the worst thing to do. Suppressing thoughts and feelings doesn’t really work in the long term although quite often we do it unconsciously, either by self-medication (alcohol or drugs) or simply by not expressing them externally. Unfortunately, I find they have an annoying way of seeping out in unexpected and random situations, manifesting in misdirected anger or tearful outbursts. After one particular such incident I decided enough was enough and looked into getting some support. I came across the counselling directory and found a therapist specialising in inner child therapy. I had 2 courses of therapy 6 months apart and it was probably one of the best decisions I have ever made. It really helped me to understand how I felt and why, for me it changed the way I saw pain or grief. Instead of seeing it as something negative, I embraced it and could allow myself to feel it without fear. I found by doing this, it was more transient and made me feel much calmer. I also noticed I was more relaxed in general and many of the worries and anxieties I had always had as far back as I could remember (but didn’t realise were there) gradually began to fade. My relationship with my husband improved dramatically and I learned to accept with understanding what I couldn’t change in the past with my family.
In short I gained a sense of emotional liberation and my energy felt freer than ever before. I found that I was happy in my life, I was spending more time with my husband enjoying each other’s company, going on holiday, spending more time on self-care and realised I didn’t need to have children to be happy. I set up my nutritional healthcare company HigherHealth and started running workshops, talks and providing personalised holistic health packages to clients with great results. I had also started yoga and although I had always been practising meditation on and off I started to embark on a more spiritual meditative practice with the support and guidance of many different teachers and practitioners, joining several yoga retreats.
It was around this time I really felt myself let go and embrace my life as it was. I started to see some of the benefits of not having children - less financial worries, less stress, more independence, doing what I wanted when I wanted. I was healthy and happy and had found my life passion working as a nutritional therapist to help others gain good health and well-being. It was at this exact point I became pregnant.